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Stories, Poems and Humor
Left Book Twas the Night Before Christmas - The Scientist
by Unknown
Right Book

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Group: Humor & Fun
Language: English

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'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
Yuletide celebration and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that
species of diminutive rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was
meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric
apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent
visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric
appellations is the honorific title of St. Nick.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated saccarinose fruit confections performing
choreography through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in
our nocturnal head-coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the
Arctic-like gloom when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds
there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise
with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the
precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this
fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflecting
as it was upon the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous precipitation,
might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself--thus permitting my
incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered
conveyance, drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer,
piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it
became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated beatified
caller. With this ungulate motive power traveling at a greater vertiginous
velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled
breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet
by his or her cognomen: "Now Dasher, now Dancer," et al, guiding them to
the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could
readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the sum total of the
thirty-two cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location and was performing a
pi radians pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved, with utmost celerity,
via a downward salutation, entry by way of the ceramic smoke passage. He was
clad entirely in animal integuments, soiled by the ebony residue from
partial oxidation of carboniferous fuels. His resemblance to a street
vendor I attributed to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore
dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with
reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every
evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and
nasal appurtenances were engorged with crimson circulatory fluid which, its
chroma suffusing the dermal layers, approximated the retinal sensation
reflected by the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and
supralabials resembled nothing so much as a flexible, curved strip of wood
associated with the American aborigines and their ambient, hirsute, facial
adornment had an absence of coloring comparable to crystalline frozen
hydrogen oxide vapor. Clenched firmly between his incisors was the
posterior projection of acalumet whose gray colloidal aerosol fumes, forming
a tenuous ellipticaltorus about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when
he waxed mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
inpectinated fruit syrup in a colloidal gel state within a hemispherical
container. He was of Napoleonic stature, neither more nor less than an
obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered
me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from being so affected
by this risiblity. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and
rotating his head slightly eccentricly, he indicated that trepidation on my
part was superfluous. Without utterance, but with noticeable dispatch, he
commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the
articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle.

Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt pi radian rotation about
the vertical axis, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to
his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave
taking, and effected his egress by salutation up the smoke passage through
which he had made ingress. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto
his rustic winter conveyance. Contracting his oral sphincter, he emitted a
shrill series of notes to the antlered quadrupeds of burden and proceeded to
soar aloft in a movement hitherto observed chiefly among the seed bearing
portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible
immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility:
"Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to the selfsame
assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and
gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

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